How serious?

I'd like to think that I'm very serious about what I do... it is the #1 priority in my life... but even I slip sometimes... I think I am VERY lucky that I get to do what I do... There have been a few instances in the past few years where I can see my own destruction... I am a very extreme and.... well.... I'm a fucking maniac some times... but I just want to let you know... I do what I do for you...

I cherish the sincere and heartfelt emails I get when people tell me about what my work means to them... All them years of training and dedication I have put in... but I've realized all the hard work I've done can be lost in a single moment of stupidity...

To change my ways I have to stop hiding it...

When the WATS DVD's were first made in late 2007 I had just come back from Europe and my first night back I went out with some d00ds I just met and got all stupid macho and drank straight whiskey for 4 hours at this bar.... I don't know how I got home but I woke up on the floor in a pool of vomit and WATS DVD's... at that moment it was pretty clear... it's happened a few times since then... this stupid behavior can cause me to waste all my hard work... it can all be thrown away in one moment... It will cause me to fail and let everyone down...

Last year I was invited as a guest to the Berlin talent campus... the last night I got wasted.... thrown out of a restaurant and crashed this Berlinale party and I was acting like a thug, pushing people around... until I woke up in a strange place with no memory... I broke my laptop and lost my passport... luckily a nice person was watching over me and found my passport... and luckily they looked past my horrible behavior and invited me back the next year

Last year in Slovakia I did the same thing... I got all stupid macho drinking with these Slovakian guys... lost laptop and passport and woke up in a strange place with no memory... AGAIN luckily someone was watching over me and found my laptop and passport...

I used to think I was like so clever for killing myself working so hard on films and the like then going off and getting wasted like a maniac, hurting myself and others around me... I thought I had learned my lessons already...I've had so many chances and still i haven't changed...

So this morning I woke up in a strange place with no memory...in a pool of vomit... Pretty pathetic I know... I guess I feel obligated to post this because I omit a lot of negative aspects of what I do...but I am a real person and I make mistakes like everyone else does...

Working alone on a huge task like animated feature films does take a toll on you... but instead of facing up to the fear I had to drink like a coward to deal with it... using it like a crutch... I have no excuses but I don't want any...

Well now I want to show a new dedication to my art and I want to show that I can be a stronger person too... So no more crutch for me... I will deal with the fear straight on and sober from now on.

Early on one of the tag lines for WATS was "To fight a monster do you need to become a monster yourself?" I'm changing my answer now...

Comments

  1. patepic! you R N inspiration.

    everything have a price.

    we are all mad down here.

    ReplyDelete
  2. As in everything you do it's never half-way; either all or nothing. It's not easy to live this kind of life avoiding complacency. I can understand why you'd want to burn yourself down at times, but Jack Shadow is right: everything has a price. Your work is more important.

    That you would choose to tell us about this problem in your blog is a remarkable act of self confession. And it's one of the reasons you are an inspiration to us all.

    Hmnn...WATS Dvd's covered in puke...THAT I'd like to see.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Since your cast can't party, you gotta do it for them. Just don't let them get out of hand. Lawlz.

    It's difficult being isolated working non-stop on a feature length animated film.

    Seriously.

    Like, on break, what you gonna do besides play games and just chill?
    It's only natural to go out and be social now and then. Hahaha.

    Take care, yo~!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hang in there dude. We've got your back.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dang man it takes alot to come out and just put your problems out for the world to see.

    I don't want to give you a big head by saying this but it's very admirable that you could be so honest.

    We all make mistakes.
    It's how you deal with those mistakes that defines you.

    No saying that you should get drunk since everynodys does it anyway.

    I'm just saying it's not the end of the world if you slip and fall.

    hang in there man!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hey d00d!

    I'm going thru the same shit myself at the moment. Like you, i'm determined not to let it get the better of me - but i've been finding the isolation very difficult to deal with over the past few weeks.

    If you ever need to talk/rant/whatever - feel free to contact meh.

    PEAS! :)

    Adam

    ReplyDelete
  7. A simple and useful technique for changing stuff in your life.

    For better or worse, we are highly susceptible to all kinds of suggestions (good or bad) during different mental/emotional/physical states. Fortunately we can use this to our advantage to reprogram ourselves to curve unwanted habits and put useful ones in their place.

    The best way to go about this is to use your own images related to what you want to change. The use of daily "self-suggestions" can change life-long habits in less than 30 days.

    Example: 1.Sit in a chair with your back straight, close your eyes and breathe out slowly and evenly three times. 2. See yourself in the situation right before you go on a binge, feel your emotions present at that moment. 3. Now see yourself doing what you need to do to get yourself out of the situation and more importantly, experience the relief and happiness of having overcome the potential pitfall. 4. Breathe out slowly and open your eyes.

    The whole thing should take less than a minute or two. I's important to keep it as short as possible.

    Do this every morning right after you wake up (before you start any activities) and right before going to bed. These are the times of highest "suggestibility" (also sunset is a good time). Do it for 21 days and repeat in a couple of months if you want to "make sure".

    Sometimes the images "take a life of their own" (and show you some real interesting stuff), just try to always come out with a good feeling in the end.

    If you want to use this for other stuff, just make sure to include in the images the negative situation followed by the changed image and the feeling of "overcoming" or success. Also, for some reason it works best if your images include yourself in movement. (movement=life?)

    Just a few random examples:
    You feel "trapped": see yourself in a prison, see yourself searching for the key or a way out and getting out. Feel the exaltation of being free and being in the open air.
    You are anxious: see yourself outdoors and a terrible storm is coming. See yourself setting up a magical indestructible tent and getting inside right before the storm comes over. Feel the storm passing over and yourself coming out of the tent to a clear sky. Feel relief and joy.
    You are "confused": See yourself lost in a tangled jungle. See a tool or a magical weapon in your hand (chainsaw/golden sword/etc) and start making your way out of there until you find a clearing.... etc etc...

    I hope you all find this as useful as I have.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment